The Shoe Fits

What I Wish They Would Have Told Me

Thasanee — Tue, 25 May 2010 05:22:28 +0000

I was prepared to be pregnant. I was prepared for labor. I was not prepared for newborns and motherhood. No matter what the literature says, no matter what your mom says or the lady down the street, raising a newborn is a whole new experience. I’ve been a proud mama for almost 4 weeks but I tell you, it’s been extremely hard and frustrating! To add to that, no one really prepare you for postpartum depression. I suspect that I might have it or an extreme and lengthy case of baby blues but with those feelings in addition to raising a newborn, it’s tough. I don’t feel that I adequately bonded with Caden from the start which has led to my frustration. I know he is my son, and I know I love him, but I don’t feel it. Everyday is new so I am hoping that it gets better. In the meantime, I’ll be going to my doctor for PPD. And don’t even mention breastfeeding….

Otherwise, life is coasting right now. We are in the hospital for Caden for a Urinary Tract Infection. We had to be here for 14 days. It’s really really frustrating. I can’t express how much I want to get out of here and be at home. Marcus has been a tremendous help to me and I truly appreciate his help. I know he is dealing with fatherhood slightly different but I know its new and stressful for him too.

The Birth Story

Thasanee — Sat, 08 May 2010 02:11:48 +0000

So here is my belated birth story for Caden Beware, it’s mildly TMI.

Since Sunday, 4/25 I had been having contractions, spaced at about 5-6 minutes apart and up to 9 minutes apart. I didn’t think much of it. I had an NST that Monday and went in to see that everything was fine with the baby and contractions weren’t regular enough for the CNM to be concerned. So I went home that night and the contractions were bad enough to keep me awake. Tuetsday morning I decided to go into the doctors office since I didn’t want to be sent home for the 5th time from the hospital. The CNM on call checked me and holy cow I was 5-6 cm dilated. Labor had begun! We rushed to the hospital and when I got there they were already waiting for me. I got undressed and hooked up to the fetal monitor and got my antibiotics IV in (I was GBS+). After about an hour on the machine, they took me off and said I could get in the tub, on the ball or walk around. I picked the tub, and let me tell you it was amazing. I was in there for a good hour or more. I got out and then got back on the monitors. By this time, my friends were there and we decided I’d go walking. Once I got back I got on the birthing ball. Let me just recommend that anyone who goes through labor get on a birthing ball. It was amazing in helping with the contractions.

This went on for about 5-6 hours (it was about 7 or 8 PM). I got checked again and was at 8cm. The CNM delivering me said that she’d want to break my water in about an hour or so. Once that time came around the water broke and found that little Mr. Caden couldn’t wait to have a bowel movement. There was meconium in the amniotic fluid but she wasn’t concern. By this time the contractions were much closer and stronger together. I got in the shower at this time and stayed in there for what seemed like hours. Once I got out, I felt like I needed to start pushing. So this was about 10:30PM. I pushed for 2 hours. It was the most excruciating 2 hours of my life. I got into several different positions, laying down on my back, on my sides, and on my hands and knees. Closer to midnight, the pushing wasn’t really progressing as I’d like (though there was never any talk about doing anything about it). From that point on I lost track of time but I know that between midnight and when Caden came, another doctor from my clinic came on and was advising on what to do. I had heard vaguely the word vacuum but didn’t even think much of it. At this point, I got a local anesthetic and the CNM told me she’d need to make a few cuts (I got 4 stitches). Once the cuts were made, pushing seem to come a little easier. The final minutes, I saw the neonatal team come in and everything getting ready for him and at that point I got the courage and strength to push him out.When I saw my baby boy, it was complete heaven. He was (and is) the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Caden was born at 12:42AM on his due date. 13 hours of labor, no pain meds, no intervention (unless you count the anesthetic) and my baby boy was born healthy and happy at a 8lbs 12 oz. Of everything, having a natural birth is possibly one of my greatest achievements. I don’t think anyone who doesn’t do a full natural birth or any type of natural birth is any less of a mom because its everyone’s choice what they want. It is unfortunate for those who feel they don’t have a choice but really, I set in wanting and believing myself to have a natural birth and I ended up doing so. I don’t know if it was my willpower or what but I really wanted a natural birth and I had people who supported me in that decision, including my husband who didn’t let me give in.

Well that’s Caden’s birth story and I hope that his birth will be the start of something wonderful and exciting (a week in and it already is!).

I Am Not a Bad Mother

Thasanee — Sat, 08 May 2010 01:11:22 +0000

I had my son last week. (He is freaking adorable by the way hehe) and we started right off the bat breastfeeding. It was kind of tricky in the hospital due to what I believe was lack of support from the LC at the hospital. My nipples were sore and it was very painful to nurse him. In desperation we introduced the bottle and formula until I could get to a LC. The next day, the hospital LC gave me an impromptu consultation and advised to stop nursing so I could heal and to pump every 3 hours. This meant we bottle fed (though I now know there are other methods) until I was healed. By the second day I felt up to nursing him and the pain was manageable so we kept on. As of yesterday, the pain became unbearable again. Today was the “final” straw and he began to “refuse” the nipple. Actually, I think he was toying with it because he’d kinda bite down and swish it around in his mouth…Anyways.

For a good few hours I felt like a failure. Why? I have wanted to breastfeed since I knew I was pregnant it was mostly the idea that, breast milk is the best milk for Caden but ever since I actually breastfed him and got to experience this tremendous bonding it made me want to do it even more this is why i am so upset and feel like such a failure at this i feel like I am giving in too easily like I should really just suck it up and deal with the pain but it just hurts so much, you don’t even know…

So my solution as of right now? Pump as much as I can. I refuse to give in to formula because at least by pumping I can still give my son breast milk. I will still attempt to breastfeed by the breast but I’ve got to keep telling myself that I am not a bad mother if I cannot do this. No one tells you how hard it is, only that you should do whatever it takes to do it.

I keep having to tell myself what everyone is telling me…As long as I am happy and he is happy and healthy then it doesn’t matter how or what he is fed.

I think the pressure that has got to me are the breastfeeding advocates. I am not feeling any particular ill will towards these groups and people but I feel that the pressure is so great to breastfeed that there is no attempt to examine and understand everyone’s situation. To me, I AM giving my son the best possible nutrition. He is still getting my breast milk. I know I miss out on the bonding (trust me that is what tears me up so bad inside) but I feel like this is the best option for me right now. I’ve been reading a lot of exclusive pumping websites and support groups and I really feel better reading what they have to say. They include the La Leche League who actually talk about supporting mothers who “Human-Milk-Feed”. (doesn’t sound as glamorous as breastfeeding). Another is Mother to Mother which is very useful because it includes real life examples and experiences of mothers who have exclusively pumped (and some for a year or more!).

I have to feel that this is the best decision I can make and not let myself get frustrated and essentially pass that frustration to my baby.

Imma Be (31 Weeks Tomorrow!)

Thasanee — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 00:11:50 +0000

So I finally visited my doctor again today after two weeks of freaking out about the GD. Luckily, she is really nice and answered all the questions I had. Surprisingly, we like her WAY better than the CNM. It sounds like she might be one of those old-fashioned doctors that doesn’t really go along with natural birthing and what not, but she actually answered questions I had and didn’t make me feel silly for asking them. However, I found out that the clinic I go to rotates doctors so any one of 4 doctors could end up delivering me, so I am going to rotate who I go to unless they advise me otherwise (which they advised me to rotate).

Other than that, the appointment went well. The doc said that there is a chance that I might either need a c-section or induction at 37-38 weeks if my GD gets way out of hand. I am obviously more inclined to hope for the induction. However, so far, there is no indication that it might come to that because my glucose numbers are in a really good range just with diet alone. I am hoping it stays that way and mostly, I am hoping that I can keep up with the diet and excercise. But gosh, 9 more weeks! It seems so far away but not so far away. It’s crazy!

My baby shower is this weekend and I am quite excited. Mostly, because it gives me the green light to start buying whatever I didn’t get at the shower haha. So far we have the play yard, stroller and shelves. I am going to buy the gDiapers because I am sure no one will be buying those. I am waiting on clothes and I’d rather wait until the last minute anyways because I know I’ll just buy a bunch of stuff if I don’t stop myself from doing so. I am also excited because once March gets here, I got ‘permission’ from my husband (and mom) that I can begin to start putting things together for Caden in our room. I’ve been so eager that it’s hard to stop myself sometimes. I also need to develop a plan of action for how I am going to clean the crap out of my house (literally haha). I really want it spotless when Caden arrives and it’s really hard with pets. I am not discouraged though. Worst case scenario is that I’ll have to put the dogs and/or cats (at night and when we are gone) up in one room until we move into a bigger place. The bigger thing that needs to be done is carpet cleaning though! Ugh my carpets look hideous!

I’m going to leave on this note: I really really want a DSLR.

30 Weeks and Counting

Thasanee — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 19:35:41 +0000

I know I know. I said I’d be good, be better…and look where it’s got me. LOL Honestly, I have wanted to blog but I just haven’t had a chance to. By the time I sit down and get ready to write, I just don’t feel like doing it anymore. Does anyone ever feel like that? I hope I’m not the only one!

So yes, I am 30 weeks pregnant. It’s a milestone for me because it means that I am just that much more close to the end. Plus, it’s nice to be 2/3 done with this pregnancy. I can’t say that I have had any major issues (except for the morning sickness in the first trimester) so there isn’t much to complain about. Except, oh yeah, the Gestational Diabetes. To be honest, I don’t even know if I have GD but my 1 hour screening test results were so high that they just bypassed by the 3-hour. If that means I have GD or not, I don’t know, but today I am going to be meeting with the Diabetic Educator so I hope I can get some answers.

So this is a two-day post haha. I went to the diabetic educator on Thursday and found out the things that I need to do. Mostly, I need to take my blood sugar 1 hour after every meal and it needs to be less than 140 mg/dL. My fasting number (first thing in the morning) needs to be under 90. So far, I am doing pretty good on the meals but my fasting number is hovering between 98-103. I am hoping I can get that under control so I don’t have to take insulin. Other wise, my diet looks something like this:

Breakfast: 30-45g Carbs

Snack: 15g Carbs

Lunch: 60g Carbs

Snack: 30g carbs

Dinner: 45g Carbs

Snack: 15g Carbs

total carbs: 210 Carbs

I have some leeway in some areas and I need to eat plenty of protein which actually counteracts the Carbs in raising my blood sugar. It’s been a crazy time to find low carb or carb alternatives . But if I balance my meals with enough protein and carbs then I am usually pretty set to go on having good blood sugar. It’s really frustrating watching what I need to eat but I know it’s for the benefit of me and Caden. I just hate feeling like I am hungry all the time. The biggest fear I have is that he will have macrosoma and I really really don’t want that to be the case because it will also means he has other issues related to high blood sugar. With that in mind, I am terrified about getting birth if he were to be big. I want a natural birth but I also don’t want to push myself to have one if its not going to be in my best interest or his. It’s something I’ll have to deal with but I am not as stressed as I was earlier in the month.

I think it’s time to post a recipe soon. Especially a low-carb one. I’m making Beef and Broccoli for dinner tonight and I am literally salivating just thinking about it!

Question of the Day:

What’s your biggest challenge right now?

Remember to Brush Your Teeth

Thasanee — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 04:51:47 +0000

So today I am 26 weeks pregnant, with 14 weeks to go (OMG). I think the biggest things that have been bothering me lately:

Uncomfortable sleeping. I can’t sit still in one position throughout the night. Poor Marcus.
Peeing every five minutes. Literally
Waddling. I really really really don’t mean to but it just happens.
Constantly having runny noses or teary eyes. It gets old, real fast.
I eat. a lot. and often.

Other than that, I feel great! It’s not hitting me yet that in less than 3 months I am going to be a mom, holding my son for the first time! It’s really surreal. Having said that, I have been doing a lot of reading on birth, labor, postpartum, etc, and I am really embracing new ideas and techniques. I already know I’m breastfeeding exclusively, going to baby-wear, do a staggered vaccine schedule and probably most on my mind is the birth/labor. My plan is to do it natural. However, I can’t guarantee that because I really don’t know whats going to happen once I am in labor. I really DO NOT want pitocin because I do not want to inevitably get an epidural but I am still weighing my other options. I also am going to request that right after Caden is delivered that we have some time to bond with him before they whisk him away for weighing and measuring and what not. Other than that, I am pretty confident that Marcus and my mom will look out for the best interests of me and Caden taking into mind what I want and my beliefs are.

So what is the biggest issue with my pregnancy you ask? Well something that has absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy: a toothache. I have had this toothache forever but it obviously has gotten worse during pregnancy because I cannot take anything stronger than Tylenol for it. So I grudgingly made an appointment with the dentist for this Friday, only it’s not an appointment but a walk-in that lasts from 7:45AM-10AM..greeeeat.So my lesson learned? Brush your damn teeth and more than once a day.

Snow-Tastic

Thasanee — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 07:40:49 +0000

When it snows in Flagstaff, it’s definitely the “talk of the town”. Mostly because it doesn’t happen often and when it does its Mother Nature at her worst. I wish I had photos but its too cold to go outside and I already spent hours trying to take photos of it and they weren’t coming out -_-

Well I figured I ought to have some sort of rhyme and reason to my posting so I am going to develop a “schedule”.

Monday: Web-related Stuff.. I usually veg out in front of the computer during the weekend and find something interesting or cool on the net.

Wednesday: Pregnancy stuff- since this is when I hit my week point.

Friday: Recap of Recipes I used during the week (photo heavy).

This doesn’t mean I won’t talk about other things but it at least gives me some motivation and substance to my posts. What do you all think? Have any other suggestions for me?

Question of the Day:

What’s going to be the most challenging thing you do this year?

New Year..New Me!..I think

Thasanee — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 00:16:21 +0000

Instead of making excuses, I will just write this blog post like I’ve never stopped

There hasn’t been anything truly exciting that has happened. I am definitely looking forward to this new year: to have Caden, finish my masters and move out of the current town I am in to Phoenix, AZ (excited about moving, not necessarily moving to Phoenix). I also got a prenatal massage this past weekend and it is definitely something I plan on doing monthly. It was AMAZING. In addition, my hubby bought me a spa package to this place in town and I get to get a facial on Friday plus other amazing things over the course of this spring.

As far as pregnancy goes, I’ve felt really good about myself physically. No extreme symptoms, except the running to the bathroom every five seconds and eating everything in sight. Caden is moving very happily in the womb and kicks me every other hour or so. It feels like huge kernals of popcorn popping, it’s pretty awesome. Some times it feels like he is shifting his whole body and it maeks it feel like I’m doing down a hill on a rollercoaster or something. Pregnancy has been good so far so I am not complaining too much. I don’t necessarily like it, but I definitely am getting more anxious by the week for the arrival of Caden! My mom and dad bought me a rocking chair with the little foot rest thing. It’s amazing and is definitely getting its use right now. My sister also bought some clothes for Caden too and I had to buy this cute mickey mouse outfit that was only $3 at walmart.

In other news, I’ve just been trying to focus on the positive this year and continue to do what I need to be successful: in school, at work, and in birth/parenting.

Once I get home, I’ll probably make another post with pictures, mostly of my cooking in the last few days

Right Round

Thasanee — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 07:44:52 +0000

I’ve done it again. Gone a few weeks without blogging! I swear I want to, it’s just so hard to! But school is about over and so is work, so I will definitely have a lot of time on my hands. I plan on working more on the website and whatnot because I want to get back into paid blogging but I also am debating whether to have a pregnancy/motherhood blog. What do you all think?

I’ll post more tomorrow. Promise

Few and Far Between

Thasanee — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 01:27:14 +0000

So I almost messed up my comeback. I haven’t posted in a good week and I didn’t realize it until tonight.

First off, I wanted to do my usual mention about Veterans Day. Call me an army brat, I don’t care, but my support and love for the military will never falter. These men and women who go out and serve our country have a lot of guts (bravery) to do what they do. Most do it to support their families, others do it because its “in their blood” while others do it because they just feel its the right thing to do. My dad, uncle, aunt, cousin and lots of friends are in or were in the military and though its corny to tell them everyday, I do want to tell them how much I appreciate what they do. I’ve grown up military and it will never leave my life, even after my dad retires. It’s apart of who I am and apart of this country and for that I support our troops! (now the “upper management” who makes the decisions….hmm…maybe not so much).

On that note, I’ve been patiently waiting for December to come because I will find out the sex of this baby. My mom is absolutely positive its a boy and its blasphemy to mention the baby as anything but boy. But I can see how excited she is and it really makes me heart warm up. I am also super excited that she is 100% on board for breastfeeding (actually she said something along the lines of …. you better be breastfeeding…). She helped me picked out stuff for my registry and even commented that she hopes I don’t have any problems. She even said she’d be only be watching my breastfeed to make sure I am doing it right lol. I also decided to go with gDiapers to try out but I am also cloth diapering too. I just want to get a feel for whats out there. My reasons for not doing disposable are mostly environmental but I do understand and note the benefits of cloth diapering. I even found out my grandma used cloth diapering for all her kids so that very insightful (though she did have her gripes about it). Otherwise, I am pretty sure of my plans and luckily I have all my family (that matters anyway) behind me on it 100%.

As far as work and school, I don’t feel like I am doing so hot. It’s mostly because that first few months I really did not want to do anything but puke or sleep. Luckily I have had understanding profs but I don’t know if that means they’ll go easy on me or if I really will get Cs (and as a grad student I cannot get anymore than 2 Cs in my whole program). We shall see what happens! *nervous laugh*

So question for the day:

What are you looking forward to most in 2010?